Note from Zenith Enterprises

Zenith Enterprises is sending our customers this friendly notice to remind you that Zenith Enterprises is, first and foremost, a kidnapping agency. (Secondly, we are a butler-hiring clinic specializing in utensil combat.) While we’re perfectly happy to make sure your friend doesn’t arrive early to their surprise birthday party, or whatever other odd jobs you’ve requested, our resources are not, in fact, limitless. Zenith Enterprises only has so many deadly, fork-throwing butlers at our disposal. And, despite popular belief, they do need sleep.

Also, note that Zenith Enterprises has created an age limit for hiring our services. You must now be at least eighteen years of age to request kidnapping, hire a butler, or use any one of our other services. (Hint: if you need tacos, try Taco Time or Taco Bell, located in many places across the US.) While this rule in unwavering, we will have no objections if you manage to disguise your age well and meet the rest of the requirements.

To avoid any other confusion on these matters, we have included a list of things we will or will not help you with.

Services offered by Zenith Enterprises: (Note: Most of these tasks are completed by our deadly, fork-throwing butlers. Each butler comes with his own tuxedo, complete with a bow tie, and is specially trained in the art of utensil-wielding. Some qualities you will find in our butlers include uncanny timing, lightning-speed movement, exceptional gracefulness, beautiful manners, outstanding chivalry, superior intelligence, extreme cleanliness, and really good looks. Default name: “Sebastian.” May be re-named when hired. Red-tinted eye contacts included upon request.)

Kidnapping (customizable)

Butlers for hire (see above)

Distractions (comes in many forms, including loud, bright, obnoxious, interesting, hilarious, stupid, subtle, tempting, and many more)

Catering (does not include tacos of any kind)

Art commissions (of most kinds, including signs and advertisements)

Videos (of limited kinds)

Intergalactic Swamp Gypsies (for many different services)

Armadillo pictures

Photography (with the butlers)

Book reviews

Advice

Suggestions

Acronyms

For a full list or more information on one or all of the above, go to our website (good  luck with that).

List of services not provided by Zenith Enterprises:

Toe-nail clipping

Homework-doing

Babysitting

Taco-eating

Maids for hire

Party-hosting

Plumbing-or-electric-fixing

Clock-setting

Frog-dissecting

Thievery (aside from kidnapping)

Curtain-hemming

Jellybean-counting

Glass-etching

Beetle-catching

Turtle-swapping

Money-giving

Laser hair removal

Potato-peeling

Duck-or-squirrel-chasing

Chart-drawing

Lawn-mowing

Sausage-making

Note that while these are services that Zenith Enterprises does not supply, if you hire one of our butlers, he may perform some of these tasks for you. Zenith Enterprises does not take responsibility for the actions of any of our butlers. These lists are subject to change.

Customized Butlers for Hire!

Zenith Enterprises:

Customized

Butlers for hire

Zenith Enterprises offers deadly, fork-throwing butlers that you can hire

For as low as $499.99 a week!

Each butler comes with his own tuxedo, complete with a bow tie, and is specially trained in the art of utensil combat. Some qualities you will find in our butlers include:

  • Uncanny timing
  • Lightning-speed movement
  • Exceptional gracefulness
  • Beautiful manners
  • Outstanding chivalry
  • Superior intelligence
  • Extreme cleanliness
  • And really good looks
Default name: “Sebastian.*” May be re-named when hired. Red-tinted eye contacts included upon request.
*Sebastian Michaeles not available for hire*