Mustard Eating (Part two)

Here continueth the epic adventure of The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions. I recommend you read events one, two, three , four, five, and part one of Mustard Eating (in that exact order) before reading this one. The Ninja Gang strongly supports chronological order. Event one: Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included) Event two:  Flashing Tulips Event three: The Performance of Doom Event four: LEROY JENKINS!!! Event five: So you think you’re an otaku…These can be found in the  Geek Tournament category for your perusing pleasure.

This is what mustard looks like, folks

Three people sat around a table, smoking cigarettes and glaring at each other intently. Of course, the cigarettes were just rolled up paper, and there was no smoke, but it was atmospheric. The dares had gone round and round the circle, like a merry-go-round, but none of them–not Hugo, nor Zepher, nor Quiche-kun–were willing to quit. Thus, we declared that each round after this, if someone didn’t quit, we would default to an tie-breaker. So the dares had to be more severe.

Who was the next one out? DUn, duN, DUN dun!!

It was. . .


Yup. The dare? French kiss Quijote, the rat terrier, who had spent most of that evening licking his unmentionables. Hugo, for once concerned for his own bodily health, politely declined.

Some of the other dares performed in pursuit of eternal fame and glory?

Quiche-kun went outside and walked around barefoot in the snow for a minute.

Zepher told Quiche-kun he was sexy and slapped his rear end. This might not seem like that big of a deal to you ordinary people, but Zepeher does not do this kind of thing on a regular basis.

Now we move on to the final round. Please play the following video while you read the rest of this post, as it will increase the dramatic tension and create an exciting atmosphere


Read at your own risk. If you read past this point, the Ninja Gang takes no responsibility for any mental scarring or anything of that sort. Note that the things done definitely qualify as GROSS and. . . well, we really don’t know what we were thinking now that we’re sane again. It’s very hard to fight the atmosphere.


So there we sat–little pieces of paper littered the entire living room. There were various things like jackets, Munchin cards, dice, and NERF guns scattered around the room. It was one o’clock in the morning. We stared at each other intently.  Who would win the Truth or Dare marathon?

It was decided that the two contestants would have no say in the final dares. And thus, Miss Demeanor, Hugo, and Raven rose from their places on the ground or draped over chairs, and walked into the Other Room.

“What should we make them do?” asked Hugo.

“I’m sick of the gross stuff,” Miss Demeanor said. “Let’s have them do something awkward, instead.”

“Awkward stuff won’t make either of them quit,” Raven pointed out. “It has to be really, really gross if you want them to quit.”

“Oh, oh, we could–” began Miss Demeanor.

“We can hear you, you know!” Zepher shouted from the living room.


“Alright, let’s go in here,” Hugo said, leading his friends into the kitchen, which provided absolutely no more sound barrier than whence they’d just come.

“How about one of them can eat–” Miss Demeanor began, again. Raven thrust her hand out.

“Stop! No more! I can’t take it. I shall have no part in this. ” And with that, she left, and waited in the room with Zepher and Quiche-kun for the sentence. However, since I, the narrator, am Raven, I can’t tell you the words exchanged between Hugo and Miss Demeanor during those dreadful, waiting minutes. I can only tell you that the two of them entered the living room giggling and snickering like they believed they had something brilliant. Whether that is true is completely up to the way you view brilliance. If you revel in the gross, the boorish, the rank, the crude, unsophisticated, voluptuous things of life, then they were brilliant indeed.

Each of the young imps took a piece of paper, and on it, wrote a dare.

Like Light Yagami in the Death Note

They slid the slips of paper into the middle of the coffee table. Zepher and Quiche-kun, sitting on the couch, reached for the same piece at once. They battled for it, like two high school boys over the last seat in a game of musical chairs, and Quiche-kun won.

But he probably wishes that he didn’t.

They opened their dares.

Zepher read aloud. “Stick your finger in your opponent’s ear, and smear the earwax on their face.”

“And yours, Quiche-kun?” Hugo prompted.

Quiche-kun answered, “Pick a booger out of your opponent’s nose and eat it.”

I, Raven, being probably the second-most-squeemish member of the Ninja Gang, did not watch past this point. Just know that both of them were so determined to win at this point that they did, in fact, complete said dares. Since they actually engaged in such disgusting behavior, everyone ran out of ideas to make them quit.

And so, in the end, it came down to a staring contest.

Zepher won. But she gave the win to Quiche-kun, because anyone actually watching this particular tournament event could tell that he was, by far, the most determined of the group to win at Truth or Dare.

And the final standings: (because just telling you right out would be boring, I’m going to give you some cryptic pictures, and you’ll have to figure out which of us they represent)

5th place:

4th place:

3rd place:

2nd place:

1st place:

Oh, clever little things, you figured it out, did you? Well, if you think you did, post in the comments and I’ll tell you if you’re right.


Mustard Eating (Part one)

Onto the sixth and most awesome event in The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions. I recommend you read events one, two, three , four and five (in that exact order) before reading this one. The Ninja Gang strongly supports chronological order. Event one: Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included) Event two:  Flashing Tulips Event three: The Performance of Doom Event four: LEROY JENKINS!!! Event five: So you think you’re an otaku…These can be found in the  Geek Tournament category for your perusing pleasure.

OK, so before we begin this pretty epic finale, I must inform you- no members of the Ninja Gang actually ate mustard. At least not on this particular night. We have eaten straight mustard before.

Mustard Eating was our clever name for… A Ninja Gang-style Truth or Dare Marathon!!!!!

The Ninja Gang doesn’t like to play the traditional version of Truth or Dare, because it gets dreadfully boring. It’s very subjective. To add another element of risk and excitement, everything is completely anonymous. That is, everyone writes one truth and one dare on little slips of paper, and then we put them is separate piles and draw randomly. So you have a chance of drawing the dare that you wrote. This also means that you can’t direct specific challenges at a certain person.

We started out with pretty easy questions and dares. You know, stuff that any old person could handle- you wouldn’t need our ninja level skills. Except for Hugo- he really doesn’t have any such skills. One of the first round dares was the incredibly challenging dare ‘do a somersault.’ Well, it would have been easy for anyone.

Except Hugo, who can’t do a somersault, and of course was the one to get it. He’s a second-degree black belt in Taekwondo, and yet he can’t do a somersault. He kind of does this thing where he goes up on his head, and then sort of gives a little ‘flop’, and ends up on his side. Since the Ninja Gang members, are, at heart, nice people, we didn’t want anyone to get out on the first round. So we spent this dare basically teaching Hugo how to somersault well enough to meet the criteria. And we interpreted ‘somersault’ in its loosest possible terms. Other dares included Zepher doing the can-can while singing the Barney song, and Quiche-kun licking one of the stones above the fireplace (which was not the worst thing licked this evening).

As the night went on, we ramped up the intensity. After all, we had to get someone to quit somehow! Hugo tackled and pinned Miss Demeanor to the ground, Zepher expressed her undying love for Quiche-kun in poetic fashion, and Hugo (tried) to pull out Zepher’s hair. That didn’t end up happening, but the dare was worded in a way that once Zepher hit you, the dare ended. She hit him.

Finally, a dare came that someone refused to do. Who was it? Raven. The dare that finally melted Raven’s courage? That stripped away all her bravado and determination, and forced a withdrawal? Lick Hugo’s hair for ten seconds. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Anything but that!!! I mean, bowing and kissing everyone’s hands is one thing, but Hugo’s hair?!? Who knows the last time he washed it- there were little flecks of white in it, and- stop. It’s just gross, OK? Raven met her limit, but the game continues.

And this is were Quiche-kun shines. I promised a few posts back that Quiche-kun would get his moment of fame, and here it is. He was determined. Some the things Quiche-kun did this night will go down in Ninja Gang legend for eternity. The dares started getting harder and harder, more and more embarrassing, more and more inappropriate. Em-bare-assing became literal when Quiche-kun had to march out of the house and moon the audience through the window. Honestly, we’re taking it on the honor system that he actually did this, because, believe you me, none of us were watching to find out.

Next one to get out was Miss Demeanor. Because it was late at night, and we were very hyped on caffeine, and we really needed to get more people out, we… recycled a few dares. And Miss Demeanor happened to get Quiche-kun’s old favorite, ‘moon the audience through the window.’ She couldn’t do it. A very nice display of the decency and propriety needed for a proper young lady, but completely ineffective in Ninja Gang truth or dare. She was out.

In the second post, three determined contestants are left. Who will be the one to take home the prize and the ten points? Quiche-kun, Hugo, or Zepher?

You will notice that while I’ve stated that we are playing truth or dare, I have only expanded upon the dares. This is because there were some pretty embarrassing truths spouted, and we all swore the sacred oath: what is said in truth or dare stays in truth or dare. So I really am sworn to secrecy this time, and can’t tell any of you teeming masses a thing.

So you think you’re an otaku…


Onto the fifth event in The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions. I recommend you read events one, two, three and four (in that exact order) before reading about this one. The Ninja Gang strongly supports chronological order. Event one: Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included) Event two:  Flashing Tulips Event three: The Performance of Doom Event four: LEROY JENKINS!!!. These can be found in the  Geek Tournament category for your perusing pleasure.

Onto the fifth event: So you think you’re an otaku… If you don’t know what the word otaku means, don’t worry, you probably aren’t one. But since there might be some readers unfamiliar with the term, I’ll go ahead and waste a few more words explaining it. (puts glasses on, and talks in nasally voice) The word ‘otaku’ (oh-tah-coo) refers to one who is extremely fond of Japanese anime and manga. It’s a classification along the lines of nerd, baseball nut, or bookworm. At least that it’s most common usage in America, and all I have the patience to explain. There, now that that has been sufficiently clarified (and those of you who already knew what it meant sufficiently bored) onto the contest.

So you think you’re and otaku… (and yes, the ellipsis must be included) was anime jeopardy, testing the contestants’ knowledge on basic anime stuff, and also their luck. Because the Ninja Gang likes to test things like that.

We drew for sitting order, went around in a circle selecting the questions, and everyone got one free wrong answer before they were out.

Now, some of you might be wondering, did Raven and Zepher write this trivia? Uh, no! Can you say unfair advantage?!? The Ninja Gang makes an effort to keep things mostly fair for almost all of the parties involved. At least fair enough that there are no unmanageable complaints. Though there was this one time- you know, I’m going to stop writing now.

We got pre-made easy anime jeoprady (not all of us are extremely serious otakus) from this site:

Now, if you’re thinking of doing something like this, The Ninja Gang recommends not using this exact jeopardy. Turns out, it was made for some middle school anime club, and the questions in the ‘miscellaneous’ were about the name of the school yearbook and newspaper. Not exactly what we were going for…

Rather than give you a play by play, I conducted an interview of all the contestants after the competition, in the order in which they dropped out. This should provide scintillating insight.

Miss Demeanor: “Why’d I have to get all the Inuyasha questions??? Like the one old anime that I don’t watch!!!” Yup. For both her questions, Miss Demeanor was asked about Inuyasha, an anime that absolutely no one in the Ninja Gang has seen. All I (Zepher) can say is “Hah! Glad it was her!” This sort of anti-team spirit thing happens when we’re testing luck and someone else takes all the bad…

Quiche-kun: “I didn’t know any of those…” For those of you who don’t know, Quiche-kun has a… different taste in anime than the rest of us. I don’t think I’ve seen anything that Quiche-kun has (High School of the Dead, anyone?), and he knows nothing about classics like Bleach and Naruto. So for him, this quiz was not ideal.

Raven: “I am right! I AM RIGHT! We can look it up in the manga! IN THE MANGA!!!! I’m right; I can prove it!!!” As you can see, Raven had a rather violent disagreement with the anime jeopardy answer. Which is quite surprising, as Raven is our biggest otaku and she’d seen the anime in question. The question: In the anime Fruits Basket, which two symbols of the Zodiac are left out? Raven thought a bit, then went with Rooster and God. The official answer: Rooster and Horse. Raven’s response: It’s in the manga!! I can prove that God was in the manga and not the anime! Our response: Uhh… God is not a zodiac… Raven’s response to our response: Not traditionally, but it is in the manga! Here, I’ll show you! I’m right!! (brief struggle for the laptop ensues, which Zepher won) Our response to Raven’s response to our response: Well, none of us had seen Fruits Basket, so we had to go with the official answer. And… God is not a zodiac…

I can PROVE it! It’s in the flippin’ MANGA!!!

Zepher: “Well, at least I got all the Naruto questions! Heh heh!” (I know, I know, pathetic laugh. It’s really hard to write someone’s snicker, all right? Just bear with me) Zepher started out very luckily, getting all Naruto questions, which she could definitely answer. But then, she had to start guessing the questions she could definitely not answer, and got some lucky guesses for a while. But Lady Luck is a fickle mistress… (insert thick cigar smoke) and she ran out of luck.

The winner? Hugo!!!: Even though Hugo’s probably the least ‘otaku’ of any of us. He’s just really lucky. His quote: “POKEMON!!” Hugo got all of the good luck that skipped Miss Demeanor and got all pokemon questions. Hugo, for those of you who don’t know, is like, a state champion pokemon player. When he finally had to start guessing, he just guessed right more than Zepher. And took home the title of “Greatest Otaku!” How… not fitting.

Quiche-kun: 2 + 8 +2 + 2 + 4 = 18 points

Miss Demeanor: 10 + 10 + 6 + 4 + 2 – 1 = 31 points

Zepher: 6 + 4 + 10 + 10 + 8 – 1 = 37 points

Raven: 4 + 6 + 8 + 6 + 6 = 30 points

Hugo: 8 + 2 +4 + 8 +10 – 1 = 31 points

One more note (Duh du DUM): If any of our careful readers have actually read the points chart up there, they would notice some subtracted points. This is because of the house rules (you can find those in the original Geek Tournament post). One of these house rules happened to be: Pronouncing Japanese Words Wrong (- 1 point). This was the only event this rule (or any of the house rules, really) came into play. You’d think, being anime fans, we would know how to pronounce Japanese words. Well, you’d be wrong. Miss Demeanor got docked a point for stumbling over the word ‘doujinshi’, Zepher messed up ‘Mangekyo’, and Hugo pronounced something wrong somewhere. No one remembers what, but hey, it’s written on the points chart. He obviously goofed up something!


Leroy Jenkins

Part four of the  The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions .

Event one: Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included) Event two:  Flashing Tulips   Event three: The Performance of Doom. The Ninja Gang recommends that you not be lazy, and waste some more of your time reading these other articles, which can be found in the Geek Tournament category.

So onto LEROY JENKINS!!! If you do not know who Leroy Jenkins is, the following link will update you on the etymology (that means origin of the word. I’m helping increase your vocabulary, so be thankful.) so the title of this competition will at least make a little bit of sense. (

This next link will also be helpful- it is a link to a document explaining the rules of the card game Munchkin, a long time favorite of the Ninja Gang and it’s affiliates. ( For those of you too lazy to click on this link, Munchkin is a traditional dungeon crawling RPG in card game format. There are cards with treasure, monsters, curses, and random ducks. You know, normal dungeon stuff. First player to kill six monsters, and thereby gain six levels, is the winner. For those of you who don’t know what an RPG is, well, I’m sorry, either pretend you do and keep reading, or google it.

So once the embarrassing display masquerading as a dance contest was over, the Ninja Gang moved onto a friendlier, calmer event. Not. Now, with the Ninja Gang, you have to realize that Munchkin is a very serious game. Alliances and betrayals within this seemingly simple card game have repercussions that carry over into real life. Wrestling matches have ensued, staring contests, games of Rock, Paper, Scissors, even!!

So this was big. We all sat kneeling on the floor, because the odd shape of our table lends its self to peeking at other players’ hands. Now, I’m not going to give you a play by play, or anything, mostly because I don’t remember exactly what happened. I remember Raven was an elf, and that… yeah, that’s all of the minor details. But minor details are boring. Onto the Climax!

The Climax:

Oh, this was good… This Climax will go down in history. And it even has a helpful life lesson included, for extra moral instruction. Seriously, these moments straight out of The Book of Virtues do happen.

So to start off, Zepher won this event. She’s pretty (read: extremely) competitive when it comes to card games, and is a consummate Munchkin player. To make a long story short, well, she kicked everybody’s butt. But of course we must play on for second, third and fourth place, this being a ranking tournament.

It was close. Very close. All of the players were at level five (remember, you need to get six levels to win) which means that the first player to fight a monster and beat it, wins everything. OK, well, they get second place, but still.

Play moved in a circle. It was Raven’s turn. If she drew a monster and managed to beat it, victory was hers… She drew, and it was… A Potted Plant! A monster! (It’s in the game, alright??) What luck! The Potted Plant is only level one, and can’t really do anything to you, you know, being a potted plant and all. Victory was in sight for Raven, but Quiche-kun stepped in and played his card- the Instant Wall. Instantly, a wall sprung between Raven and the ferocious fight she was facing. No!!! The Potted Plant was out of reach She would have to wait an entire round to draw again, and all the players were poised at level five… Raven had failed.

It was Miss Demeanor’s turn. She reached over to the pile of cards. What would it be? And she turned up… 3872 Orcs! Now this might seem like a rather large amount of orcs, and indeed it is a level ten monster, but Miss Demeanor had it handled. With her combined level and various bonuses, she had it beat. And here’s were the good stuff comes.

Everyone was defeated. They had no more cards they could play against her, no more traps that could keep her from winning. She had won, and she knew it. Just to show how awesomely she had overwhelmed those 3871 orcs (apparently one of then chickened out when faced with her might) and how soundly she had beaten the rest of the Gang, she began to load every single one of her one-time-use-only power cards, beefing herself up and up. Potion of Idiotic Bravery, for idiotic bravery. Poisonberry Syrup, for poisoning. Avatar, to create a double and add stats. Magic Missile, to help one kill things in an extra explosive way. I think she got her self up to level 63… way overkill.

And this is when it happened. She was just beginning to celebrate her victory, jumping up on the couch and beginning the traditional Teriyaki Chicken dance (don’t ask) when Hugo quietly asked “that’s what you did? You played all those cards??” “Oh yeah, baby!!!” was the reply. And with that Hugo reached over and read the whole Avatar card she played in her fervor to rub it in everybody’s noses.

Now, Avatar is a great card when you’re facing an overwhelming monster. Basically, it makes you twice as strong as you were by doubling all your stats. Very useful when your facing an angry level 20 Plutonium Dragon, and would otherwise perish in a crunchy manner. However, Avatar has this little… quirk to it. When played and used in combat, one may take all the treasure from the monster, but not gain any levels. One may not gain any levels.

Victory for Miss Demeanor? Down the drain. She lost. And I’m sure you can all grasp the very important lesson that has just been demonstrated in an entertaining manner. Basically, well, I’m sure you get the concept. If you didn’t, go back and read the last few paragraphs again, very slowly.

Since I’ve already used enough words here, I’ll just summarize what actually ended up happening. Hugo got second, Raven third, Miss Demeanor managed to (more humbly this time) make in on her next turn, and Quiche-kun came in last for a meager two points. If you’re worried about poor Quiche-kun, well, don’t. Don’t worry- he distinguishes himself admirably and wins the undying awe of the entire Ninja Gang. Oh, don’t worry about Quiche-kun…

The current standings:

141 Black Ops Forces that are Special: 2 + 8 +2 + 2 = 14 points

Super SHINee Fighting: 10 + 10 + 6 + 4 = 30 points

Zepher: 6 + 4 + 10 + 10 = 30 points

Raven: 4 + 6 + 8 + 6 = 24 points

Ice Dragons: 8 + 2 +4 + 8 =22 points

Zepher is now tied for first place, with everyone else (besides poor Quiche-kun) close behind! What will happen in So you think you’re an otaku? Find out in the next post!

The Performance of Doom

(your life depends on it)

Part three of: The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions

I recommend you read about the first two events, Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included) and Flashing Tulips, so you’re not completely clueless.

Just a brief note: As a personal favor, and to help you engage in the competition, every time you read Performance of Doom, you need to say it all dramatic in your head, like PerFORMance of DOOOOOOOM! With a deep, dramatic announcer’s voice; you know the kind. It’s kind of hard to write how it’s supposed to sound… Practice saying it in your head: PerFORMance of…f… DOOOOOM! Now, you don’t have to do it out loud (people would look at you funny, and if you were at work you might get an official sanity inquiry.) But you need to do this. It adds atmosphere.

The order of the performance of doom: Hugo, Miss Demeanor, Raven, Zepher and Quiche-kun.

Out of curiosity, who are you cheering for? Who do you want to snatch victory out of the jaws of what would otherwise be defeat?


Onto the Performance of Doom (do it. It’s fun):

When we designed this tournament, Raven and Zepher decided that we wanted to really foster an intense aura of competition. This wasn’t just some thing you do for fun, wasn’t some silly contest between friends. This is serious. This is real. The fate of one’s self confidence and standing within the Ninja Gang could very well rest on the results… With these thoughts and this kind of intense pressure, the competition spirit wasn’t hard to maintain.

In the waiting room for the performance, we all paced nervously and fidgeted. Hugo didn’t have much time to fidget, as his was the first performance. He went over to the stairs, looked over his shoulder and bid us and nervous farewell, and we never saw him again… well, at least until it was over.

There was sporadic attempts at conversation, which failed miserably. Seriously, this was intense. My friend the rock was back and had lodged himself firmly in my stomach. I feel sorry for poor Quiche-kun, sitting in the waiting room all alone, waiting for his turn to face the judges’ scrutiny…

You’ll notice how carefully I’ve avoided actually telling you what, exactly, the Performance of Doom (remember the dramatic voice) is. I assure you, this is completely on purpose, to try and give you a taste of the excited anticipation we were feeling. Rather than just describing the feeling, I’m building the dramatic tension and carefully exploiting your emotions so you get a fuller experience while reading this post! Isn’t that thoughtful of me? I should get paid for this kind of customer service!

So, the results for the Performance of Doom:

I have to warn you- the boys kinda failed at this one. Go figure.

In fifth place: Quiche-kun. Oh, poor Quiche-kun.

Fourth: Hugo. Told you. The boys were at the bottom.

The tension is building… Will Miss Demeanor take another first, or will she be struck off her throne?!?

Third… Place… Is… Miss Demeanor! An upset! Finally, an event where she didn’t get first place! The other competitors see a glimmer of hope.

Second place: Raven.

If you’re any good at logical deduction or familiar with the process of elimination, you’ve probably figured out that Zepher won first place in this competition.

This leaves the points as follows:

141 Black Ops Forces that are Special: 2 + 8 +2 = 12 points

Super SHINee Fighting: 10 + 10 + 6 = 26 points

Zepher: 6 + 4 + 10 = 20 points

Raven: 4 + 6 + 8 = 18 points

Ice Dragons: 8 + 2 +4 =14 points

Miss Demeanor, with her team Super SHINee Fighting is still in the lead! But a beam of light shines through the clouds for the other competitors. They have hope… The competition heats up in the next installment in the Ninja Gang Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions, the long anticipated LEROY JENKINS!!! (To be written 2/8/13.)

PS. Did you think that we actually wouldn’t tell you what the performance was? Well, with my supreme dedication to reader service, I wouldn’t neglect that. Get ready for the big reveal… the Performance of Doom was… An impromptu dance competition!! That’s right, folks. The judges went up into a room, picked a random song (All Shook Up, by none other than Elvis) and we were called up in order and forced to dance. And that’s all there is to it.

Flashing Tulips

The second event in The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic ProportionsFind the first event at Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included).

Onto the second event: Yeah, the name’s pretty random, right? That was kind of the point, and Flashing Tulips might just be the most random title of all. However, when you follow our thought process, it will make complete sense. Promise.

Photography contest–> light –> Camera, action –> flashing lights –> Flashing camera bulbs –> bulb = tulip bulbs –> Hence, flashing tulips. Obvious, right? Bet you feel dumb now, that you didn’t figure it out.

Anyway, once you get past the confusing name (also serving to intimidate the competitors), the competition is simple. Everyone gets their cellphone, we switch them (important for blind judging), and then take one photo that will be presented to the  judges. Oh, and we have ten minutes.

Introducing the judges:

From far Czechoslovakia, Sophie F.J. Fitzerwald. This photojournalist amuses herself by flying over the Bermuda triangle and taking pictures of her toes, giving her the experience necessary to judge this prestigious contest.

And with us from Transylvania, Sir Phillip Arthur Septimus Poufknuckle the Fifth. This esteemed judge likes seeing how low he can get his blood pressure, jumping out of planes, and whale singing.

Onto the Contest:

(Play dramatic music of choice to add appropriate atmosphere. Which as we keep telling you, is a very important concept.)

We all spent ten terse minutes looking for the perfect shot around the house. Hugo spent all of those attempting to photograph the cat. What did he end up getting? Well, he got a photo of the cat- however, the cat was in the middle of moving at the time, and the resulting picture was blurry. He tried to pass it off as creative expression. Zepher went and photographed a picture of a landscape, which one could see was obviously a poster. Brilliant. Raven went and shot a gargoyle. Yes, we have two real, live gargoyles at this house. Aren’t you jealous? Quiche-kun took a picture of a wall hanging (not really a picture, per say), and Miss Demeanor ended with a shot of… the piano.

We handed the cellphones to the judges, begging them to keep in mind the difference in technology between a smart iphone thingy and a dinky cellphone that was old 6 years ago.

After hours of terse deliberation (OK, more like five minutes. Seemed like hours. We were really going for a tense atmosphere of competition here, and succeeded brilliantly.)

The Results:

For last place and two points: Hugo, with his blurry attempt at a cute cat picture. Apparently, the judges didn’t buy his explanation and ‘suppressed’ his creative expression of a totally-on-purpose blurry photo.

For Fourth place and four points: Zepher and her dumb picture of a picture idea that didn’t work too well…

For Third Place: Raven’s photograph of the gargoyle. This one was a fan favorite, and I thought it should have won, but apparently the parent judges weren’t into gargoyles. Go figure.

Second place for eight points… is Quiche-kun! Obviously, the wall hanging art thing he photographed was a favorite piece of the female judge. Good for Quiche-kun- this helps make up for his dismal flop in Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster.

Which means that first place, and the ten points again go to Miss Demeanor. This ten year old has pulled off a total sweep of the first two rounds! Even competing against the experienced ninja members of the Ninja Gang… The crowds are going wild! Entire fortunes have been won and lost in this single night!

Really, we all found this surprising turn of events, well, we found it pretty funny. There’s no hard feelings against the youngest competitor handing her elder’s butts to them on platters.

And the standings:

141 Black Ops Forces that are Special: 2 + 8 = 10 points

Super SHINee Fighting: 10 + 10 = 20 points

Zepher: 6 + 4 = 10 points

Raven: 4 + 6 = 10 points

Ice Dragons: 8 + 2 = 10 points

So really, we’re all tied at half as much as the leader.

Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster (neutrality included)

Onto the first event! Honestly, it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. We (Zepher and Raven) made the title all pretentious on purpose. Switzerland’s Future Mecha Blaster? Yeah, it’s cool.

Really, it only involved a target made of removable tape on a window, and using a variety of NERF weapons to hit said target. We compiled a, well, a pile, of all of the NERF weapons at my (Zepher’s) house (a surprising amount). Everyone got three bullets. We use the word ‘bullets’ here in it’s loosest possible sense, of course. Little suction cup tipped cylindrical pieces of styrofoam is more accurate.

Anyway, you might be wondering about the neutrality that was so thoughtfully included? Well, we didn’t hit each other, did we? There you go. Neutral. Violence only unto windows.

I’m sure that our multitudes of readers are all on the edges of their seats in anticipation of who won this intense test of arms. Was it Hugo, with his jittery aim working to his advantage? Was it Quiche-kun, with his unnerving habit of carrying around a loaded air soft pistol?

Read on, dear reader. After all, that is what you’re here for.

To make things completely fair, we wrote down all our team names on slips of paper and drew randomly to determine the order of firing. The hat we drew it out of, was of course a cat eared anime cap Raven picked up at a convention. For atmosphere. Always for atmosphere.

(A note on team names: Adding yet more atmosphere to ramp up the intensity of the tournament, all the contestants chose team names in the beginning of the competition. Quiche-kun’s, as you might suspect, was a confusing name to do with the military. 141 Ops Special Forces? 564.5 Division Special Team Go Eagle? I always forgot. I just called his team Ops. Miss Demeanor’s team name was Super SHINee Fighting. Apparently it’s some K-pop thing; her and Raven both cracked up. Raven and Zepher, demonstrating the outer limits of the creativity with which God so thoughtfully imbued them, went with teams Zepher and Raven. Yup. What was I saying about atmosphere?!? Never mind. And Hugo choose the team name Ice Dragon. Go figure- who can fathom the monkey’s mind?)

The Order of the firing… Ops. Zepher. Shinee. Ice Dragon. And Raven.

To start, Quiche-kun chose the biggest gun available. And guess what? No one was surprised. However, this ended up backfiring on his, and to cheesily quote an overused cliche- ‘bigger is not always better”. To his dismay, his chosen blaster of utter neutrality happened to be an automatic Nerf gun (yes, they have them) and it just so happened to be out of batteries. He stepped up to the starting line… and… proceeded to miss every single shot. Ah well, sucks for him, good for us.

Zepher stepped up to the plate next, and chose her own personal Nerf weapon, a well maintained pistol of beauty. All of Hugo’s Nerf guns are in rather wretched condition. He uses them, leaves them to get stepped on, proceeds to step on them, and covers them in duct tape. Hugo has a duct tape fettish. Don’t ask me. Anyway, Zepher takes very good care of her weapons (when there’s Nerf wars in the house-no neutrality- one’s life depends on the accuracy of one’s personal weapon. More on that later, if Zepher feels like it) To make a rambling story short, She hit fairly close to the center on one shot, but one of the other shots hit the target, it was pretty pathetically far from the center. And the other shot? Total miss.

SHINEE: After seeing Zepher’s success, (at least when compared to Quiche-kun’s performance) she also chose Zepher’s pistol to shoot with. And apparently that pistol likes to mix things up, because it served her well, to the point of getting an exact bullseye. The other two shots were pathetic, but still, a bullseye. Way to go, Miss Demeanor.

Ice Dragon: Hugo, next to Quiche-kun, has the most experience in Nerf wars, and was expecting a big success in Switzerland’s shootout. And indeed, he was the first one to actually hit the target all three times! How hard is it hit a freaking three foot target from 12 feet away? Harder than most of us can manage, apparently…

And finally, Raven. Just a quick note about Raven- Raven is not into Nerf wars. Or shooting, or aiming, or facing a gun in the right direction, really. She didn’t expect to do well, and to be perfectly honest, (sorry Raven) she didn’t. (Nerf is just not her thing. Don’t worry about her though, there are plenty more events)

The end results? Zepher and Raven (the administrators of the tournament) went off to consult, and ended up conceding to parental judgement.

First place, for ten points: Miss Demeanor, with Super SHINee Fighting! Because of the bullseye, you see.

Second place, for eight points: Hugo, with the Ice Dragons. Because of the Nerf darts that hit the target, you see.

Third place, for six points: Zepher, with team… Zepher. Because of the shots that were slightly less completely pathetic than Raven’s, you see.

Fourth place, for four points: Raven, with team… Raven. (Why do we even bother?)  Because of one shot that hit the target, you see.

and coming in for a sad Fifth place, for two points: Quiche-kun, with the 140 Special Ops Division Forces. Because, well, he didn’t actually hit the target. Which was kinda the point… I assume you see.

Tune in next time for the next exciting installment of  The Ultra Awesome Mega Super Sparkling Shiny INTER-GALACTIC Radical Stupendous chocolate-dipped Geek Tournament of Olympic Proportions .



PS. We based the point system on the Dai Matō Enbu (or Grand Magic Games) from Fairy Tail, for those of you who might possibly be wondering. 10 points for first place, 8 points for second place, 6 for third place, 4 for fourth, and 2 for last place.