Reverse Pinocchio Syndrome

It started off with eyebrows.

Now hold on, don’t leave yet- I’ll explain everything.

The eyebrows.

I was reading this manga, see, and the main villain didn’t have any eyebrows. Well, being the intellectual person that I am, I started thinking. My conclusion: people without eyebrows are bad news. I can think of many examples (at least from Japanese anime) of the bad guys having a conspicuous lack of facial hair.

Example: Gaara, from the iconic series Naruto. Hold on!! Don’t leave yet, ye throngs of angry fans! For the record, I know that he’s a good guy now. He’s great. He’s the goodest of the good guys. But… he started as a bad guy- killing lots of people and inflicting wanton destruction on the Hero’s Hometown–  definitely qualifies one for a “villain” status.

Villain material. Right there.

Other examples of bad guys who lack eyebrows: Yokoya Norihiko (Liar Game), Pitch Black (Rise of the Guardians), Alvin the Treacherous (who’s missing more body parts than just eyebrows), Charlie Rakes (Lawless), Wormtounge (from Lord of the Rings. Duh.), and in Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, antagonist Cyrus found eyebrows unnecessary in his perfect world. Also, there was that random clerk from Macy’s who we’re convinced is actually a super-villain. Because she had no eyebrows, you see. 

So now, you might be wondering how this has anything to do with Pinocchio. Well, I’ll explain. Once we’ve deduced that a lack of eyebrows is a sure sign of villainy, well, it follows that when an eyebrowless villain gets the hero talk and turns his life around, his brows  must come back! We were thinking one hair per good deed sounds about right. This is good news for all you people lacking excessive amounts of ornamental facial hair! Simply become a hero, and all your eyebrow woes will vanish!

See what I mean?

OK, still not seeing how this has anything to do with Pinocchio… well here it is. Growing eyebrows is a sign of a good guy, right? But when Pinocchio’s nose grows, it’s because he tells a lie. Lies are bad, right? It’s a very villainous thing to do. Therefore, people with long noses are most certainly bad guys (write that down, kids). It’s a fact of life- look at many TV shows, cartoons, whatever. Bad guys rock the long noses.

Now, lets continue the logic here. Bad guys have no eyebrows, but eyebrows grow on good guys. Bad guys have long noses, therefore… (come on, figure it out. I’ve given you way more clues than you ever wanted) Noses shrink on good guys!!!!!

I’ll pause so you can do a face palm now.

How did you never see that before??? We know, we know- take a few moments for yourself. Deep revelations like this can be quite a shock. But we’ve found that the better a guy gets, the smaller his nose. People with no noses? Saints. In light of this, the Ninja Gang has found utmost sympathy for poor, misunderstood Voldemort.   We’ve walked you through the logic. It’s right there- Voldemort, whose nose has recessed right into his face, is probably the best guy on the planet.

Isn’t he cute, now that you know the secret?

Via what we call the Reverse Pinocchio Syndrome, you can now know the truth about Voldemort, and other olfactory challenged beings. Alvin the Treacherous, The Silence, the whole nose-less gang…  They’re actually really swell guys, aren’t they?

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