Finally, a post from Zepher! The theoretical masses were about to riot, and the proverbial fat people at the top of the proverbial line were about to proverbially fire me. Fortunately, I now have several drafts in progress, and this new, brilliantly paced post. If you want to get mad at someone, go hit Thomas!!! He hasn’t written anything at all!! OHHH, he’s bigger than you and I’m not, huh? Is that it?!? (GET ON WITH IT!) Okay, okay, hold your horses… Come to think of it, what does OK mean anyway? Okey dokey? ‘Cause that sounds really stupid. Not to mention, ‘dokey’ doesn’t start with a ‘k’. Perhaps it means obvious katastrophe. (sorry about the atrocious spelling and the rather lame acronym. Best I have on short notice. As you can see, I’m not the one who runs Zenith Enterprises Acronym Providing Service.)
Ohhh, after that threat I had really better get on with it.
Recently, I had the dubious pleasure of taking a drive through Oregon. Oh, did I just reveal where I live? No, I’m much too clever for that. See, I don’t live in Oregon! Now, for all you creepy stalker types out there, that just narrows it down to forty-nine other states. Helpful, huh? Actually, that would be forty-eight if you’re clever, because I probably don’t live in Hawaii. If I did, why the heck would I be driving across Oregon at this time of year? Exactly.
Actually, Oregon was very cold and icy and unpleasant, as I am used to much warmer climes. Oh, another clue? Could be, or I could just be trying to throw you off. I’m tricky like that.
So now for my observations about the boring state of Oregon. Sorry to all you Oregonians, but honestly, I did not see a single dinosaur statute by the side of the road. Not a single one! People, you need to keep your state up to code. The Ninja Gang has standards! But besides the disappointing lack of dinosaurs (and yes, where we live, we do have them. Another clue? Geez, you’re desperate if you really think that’s going to tell you.), Oregon had some advantages and some disadvantages.
Advantage: Here it is. Get ready…. NO SALES TAX!!!! People in California gasp in disbelief! But yes, it’s true (seriously). Oregon has absolutely no sales tax! I was in the self check out line buying a DVD of Monty Python bonus features, and the price appeared as 9.99. And then guess what? I clicked the finish transaction button… … … and the final price was still 9.99!!!!! I nearly fainted. But, before you go flocking over there in untold droves, remember that Oregon still sucks to live in because it has super high property taxes to make up for the lack of sales tax. If the government doesn’t steal your money one way, it must find another, right? Because, you know, the government not stealing your moneywould be unthinkable…
Imagine the scene. You’re in a normal state, and you drive into a gas station. You get out of you car, insert your credit card. You take the nozzle out, insert it into your car. Then you fill your tank, complete the transaction, and go on your merry way. The whole scene takes less than five minutes, right?
Not if you’re in Oregon…
Directions for getting a full tank of gas in Oregon. (Correction. Directions for sitting in your car waiting for someone else to get you a full tank of gas in Oregon)
Step one: Drive into gas station and pull up to pump.
Step two: Sit in your car for about five minutes, until the guy listening to heavy metal music at eighty decibels in the station realizes you’er actually there. Honking your horn a few times can help speed this step up.
Step three: Sit in your car and hand the guy your credit card for him to insert in the slot. Because in Oregon, everyone knows its the highly dangerous job of highly trained professionals to insert those highly volatile credit cards into the slots. Ahh, those brave gas station attendants.
Step four: Sit in your car and wait for him to insert the nozzle into your car. Because, honestly, you’re not capable of doing this yourself. Are you noticing a trend here?
Step five: Sit in your car waiting for the tank to fill. (the only step that’s the same in both scenarios)
Step six: Sit in your car waiting about ten minutes for the one guy to make his way around to the seven other cars and insert their gas pumps. Because they’re all hopeless incompetents too.
Step seven: Finally, he’s back. Sit in your car and wait for him to take the nozzle out of your car and put it back on the pump.
Step eight: Sit in your car and wait for him to get your receipt out of the machine. Again, it’s working around those credit cards, and should be left to the pros.
Step nine: Drive out of this place as fast as you can! You’ve already wasted about a quarter of an hour paying someone to do something for you that you’ve only done about a zillion times.
Step ten: Repeat when you need gas again.
Yep, that’s what we went through in every single darn gas station in Oregon. It is against the law to fill up your own gas tank. Nope, you have to pay extra to get their highly trained sulky teenagers to do this dangerous task for you.
Signing off because I need to go watch some anime,