Dear Robin Hood,

Dear Robin Hood,

I regret to inform you that we can no longer be archenemies. A new fellow with much higher qualifications has shown up, and I must now dedicate all of my time to dealing with him. You’re simply not worth the effort anymore. You’ve been a thorn in my side, it’s true, but this fellow is a bloody spear! It’s been fun, but I’m afraid you’ve grown second rate (I will throw in that one last insult, for old time’s sake).

If you would like to try and be my archenemy again, you must come back with higher qualifications- I hear that the College of Annoying Do-gooders has good options. It has been aggravating, but as I’m moving up in the world, I now need a nemesis with more to offer.

With a slight amount of regret,

The Sheriff of Nottingham

P.S. Look, I suppose I could step in and be your enemy in one last adventure. I know this is rather short notice, and I feel bad for cutting you off without a villain in your narrative. I suppose I could do one last chase or whatever you have planned (you have got something planned, haven’t you? Please tell me you haven’t grown that sloppy), so you have time to find a new nemesis. -The Sheriff

Dearest and most vexing Sheriff,

I am afraid that I must to reject your rejection. It simply doesn’t suit my needs right now; I must continue to be your enemy, whether I’m appreciated or no. Besides, the point of enemies and nemeses is that you do not get to choose them- they cling to you stubbornly without regard for your own personal convenience. If all opponents could be disposed of with such an articulate letter as yours, what would be the point of rivalries at all? Simply put, I’m sorry if I’m not good enough (I’ll be sure to beat you more soundly next time), but I’m not going anywhere.

You did mention the College of Annoying Do-gooders, and I must inform you that I have been attempting to secure a place within its walls for quite some time. However, the guidelines state that one needs at least four annoying escapades to be considered for admission. (Annoying escapade: any action engaged in against a scoundrel, monster, dominator, ravager, evil overlord, corrupt official, megalomaniacal tyrant, tormenter, reprobate, blackguard, villain, rogue or any such term that describes the part of ‘bad guy’, that results in annoyance of said ‘bad guy’, and also results in the foiling of the ‘bad guy’s’ plan, conspiracy, strategy, plot, and/or scheme). This definition is copied directly from The Hero’s Guide to Heroic Things, a textbook at the college. (As I’m sure you can tell, they’re quite fond of synonyms)

The point is, so far, I have only performed two annoying escapades, which I’m sure you recall with utmost clarity.

Therefore, until I trip you up (significantly) at least two more times, well, I’m afraid (or rather, you should be) you’re stuck with me. Even if you ignore me- actually, please do; it will make my task much easier- I’ll be your enemy anyways.

Until I publicly embarrass you again,

Your very stubborn rival,

Robin Hood


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