We build it, you bash it!

Introducing… Fernando Pasch: Battering Ram designer.

You’ve come this far—your armies have conquered, your enemies beaten into retreat.

But wait! What are they doing? They have sequestered themselves behind a huge castle! Moat, drawbridge, everything! How are you going to defeat them now?

Never fear! Fernando Pasch’s Battering Rams are here!

We have battering rams of all shapes and sizes, custom designed just for you to siege anything—from small villages to mighty fortresses.

Our quality Guarantees:

v     Guaranteed to knock down any wall!*

v     Guaranteed to strike fear into any most enemy’s heart!

v     Guaranteed to last a whole entire siege (rounding up, of course)!

v     Guaranteed to boost morale and confidence!

v     Guaranteed to be built with utmost attention to quality and aesthetic design

*Fernando Pasch’s Battering Rams are not guaranteed against any wall made of stone, rock, or wood. Just letting you know. But though not absolutely one hundred  percent guaranteed, we’re pretty sure they’ll work, so you don’t have to worry.

*Fernando Pasch Battering Rams Co. is not responsible in any way for any failed sieges, lost lives, or technical difficulties that may or may not be had in the operation of one of its battering rams. Costumer takes all litigation for any injury or defeat obtained in pursuit of world domination.

If it’s been built up, it can be knocked down!

Reviews from raving customers (and victims):

Sauron says

“Best battering ram I ever got! Knocked that wall right down! If it’s good enough for Gondor, it’s good enough for you.”

Random soldier of Gondor says

“Yeah, it struck some fear into my heart, alright. Soiled my armor right up when I saw that thing! Twice, fact…”

And from Luke Skywalker:

“I admit, I never actually used one of Fernando’s battering rams, but if I did need one, that’s where I’d go!”

(By Zepher and Raven)

 

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