Fake Embarrassing Stories

Have you ever been to one of those parties where the main entertainment is everyone sitting in a circle and telling their most embarrassing story? What a stupid game! I mean, embarrassing stories are kept secret for a reason- you try and forget them for the rest of your life as soon as they occur. The world, however, has it against you, and seems to insist on dredging up the worst moments of your life. And forcing you to relive them in front of a group of strangers. Swell.

It’s not so bad at first. You’re generally enjoying yourself, laughing at other people’s expense, and everything is just peachy. Suddenly, it’s your turn, and you realize that you don’t have anything planned to say. It’s really embarrassing, actually.

Never fear! We’ve come up with a solution to save you from actually having to reveal one of those awful moments in your life! Alternately, if you live a really sheltered life or have a really bad memory, to save you from not having anything to say. The trick is to be prepared for these kind of sticky situations.

Here are a few pre-made stories for you to use. They require a bit a adaptation and story telling ability, but you’re going to have to figure that one out. I’m not going to do all the work for you…

(Note: none of these fake embarrassing stories have ever happened to any of the members of the Ninja Gang. None of them. Ever.)

Mild: For those of you who aren’t daring enough to go for an actual embarrassing story. Because you will have to pretend these actually happened to you. ¬†They’re just one-liners, because, well, they’re mild.

You were studying so hard that you forget to take your clothes off before stepping into your running shower.

Someone caught you reading a book upside-down, and thought that you were eavesdropping instead of reading.

You tripped and fell on your face while wearing a kilt. In front of a bunch of people. Ouch.

Medium:

Your friend’s dad tells you to clear the table. You start laughing, because he’s smirking, and you really can’t tell whether he’s joking or not. You assume he’s joking, because he’s smirking, and well, that’s not the sort of thing you’re supposed to do when you’re having dinner at a friend’s house. Turns out he wasn’t joking. He gets this twitchy frown on his face as you start cracking up at what was obviously meant to be a serious command.

You are at a school auction- you know, the kind that they use to raise money? Anyway, they also had a raffle drawing as part of the fun. Since you like fun, you bought yourself a raffle ticket. Finally, late in the program, they begin to draw the raffle tickets. Some people get massage tickets, one man got a manicure set (gotta wonder what he’s going to do with that), and one lucky bloke won a state of the art sound system. You vaguely wonder why the school needs more money if they can afford to give away things like that. Eventually, it comes to the grand prize. An all expense paid trip for two to the Caribbean. Oh, yeah. That’s the one you want. And you lucky dog, the number the guy with the microphone is reading… is yours!!!! Yes! You get up and start doing your patented victory dance right in the aisle. People are staring, of course, but you don’t care. Your too busy ¬†patting your belly and whooping loudly, exulting in your victory, when the man comes up to check the number on your raffle ticket to confirm your win. And whoops, looks like you were wrong. Sucks for you.

Here’s another. You’re at your little sister’s soccer game, cheering her on. Aren’t you a nice person? You also brought your old chocolate lab, Gimly (or Fido, if you’re feeling boring), because he likes to get out of the house occasionally. You let him off leash to roam around a bit, and the old man looks like he’s enjoying it. Soon, it’s half time in the game (or a team calls a time out. I’m not clear on the rules of soccer.) The point is, the game has paused. That means that everybody in the stands gets an extremely clear view of your dog Gimly going out and taking a big old dump, right smack dab in the middle of the soccer field. And everyone knows it’s your dog, too, hard as you pretend you’ve never seen the stupid thing in your life. Really. Never seen it before.

Serious:

You’re dancing at a formal dance–you do these kind of things, because you’re classy like that. The dance ends, and your partner spins in and you dip her for a finale. But she weighs a bit more than you expected, and your arms weren’t prepared, you swear! You drop her on her noggin. Everyone turns to look at you. She starts crying, gets up and slaps you, and then leaves. Some obnoxious punk in the background starts applauding and the entire room laughs.

Getting an embarrassing gift. It’s your birthday party. Yay! You’re sitting around the coffee table, opening gifts from your friends and family. Your grandma hands you a brightly wrapped present. You open it with a smile on your face, which quickly fades, and you force it back until your cheeks hurt. Out of the package you pull some wildly patterned underwear! Everyone is watching–your friends, your cheeky little brother, and of course your potential love interest. If you want to make it even worse, tell about how your grandmother relates the tale of how she came across this deal at the thrift store. Only two dollars! What a steal!

You’re on your way to the public restroom, along with some friends. You’re talking animatedly to your friend of the opposite gender, and you’re so caught up in the conversation that you don’t notice as you walk into the bathroom with your friend. You look around and suddenly realize that you’re in the wrong place. And everybody’s staring at you. And maybe someone starts screaming, if you want to go that far.

Hot: For the truly daring.

You show up at a Star Trek convention dressed as a Star Wars character. Enough said.

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